I can't believe you actually did it. you killed your mom and now you are going to have to live with it for the reast of your life. I know times were hard and i know things were rough with the way she treated you but she had demencia so she couldn't really help herself. She didn't really know what she was doing to you or others and she had no control over the way she was acting. You smothered her and people are going to find out. You can't cover up what you did and now you have to live with it for the rest of your life. Also you had sex with your best friend's son- when you are married with children! You keep making wrong decisions and nothing seems to be going right for you. You need to start thinking about what your doing before you do it and you need to tell someone what you did. You should trust your husband and he should be able to trust you but obviously he can't do that if you are sneaking around with other guys. Especially one that you can consider your own son! I think you should see a therapist or you need to start getting your life on track and making the right decisions for yourself because the things that you have done aren't right and you need to fix them. You need to go make things right. And you need to tell your husband what you did.